A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." ----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. -----------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. -----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor -----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! -----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
Mattel recently announced the release of limited edition Barbie dolls for the KC Metroplex market:
Leawood Barbie -
This princess Barbie is only sold at Town Center Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired, foreign lap-dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a lawn service. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.
Overland Park Barbie -
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English and Spanish. Available at Target.
Independence Barbie -
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, bowie knife, a' 78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Blue Valley Barbie -
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken
and Spanish-speaking Nanny.
Paola Barbie -
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder Wants to major in NASCAR at K-State. She has a
six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Big Lots & Dollar General Stores.
Wyandotte County Barbie -
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Paola Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart Cheap.
The Grandview/Raytown Barbie -
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print spandex and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and botox. Also cheap.
Olathe Barbie -
This Barbie now comes with a stroller, infant doll and Bible. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass on the Jo. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very
difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Available at any Christian bookstore.
Brookside Barbie -
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Brookside Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.
Lenexa Barbie -
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Lenexa Barbie aspires to become Leawood Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.
Waldo Barbie -
Into football, animals and bonfires. 98% belong to a cult, 2% are free thinking and void of any "traditions." Does nothing but complain about Plaza Barbie.
Argentine Barbie -
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual
labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three
fingers on left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Argentine Barbie or Ken.
Plaza Barbie/Ken -
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to "experiment." Doesn't understand why Waldo Barbie complains so much.
Topeka Barbie -
would come with a 97 Ford Taurus with an unpainted body kit and crappy stereo system. This Barbie is twice the size of all the other Barbies and has more tattoos than Topeka Ken. Ghetto braids optional. And she's still white, but she doesn't "know it".
Leavenworth Barbie -
This Barbie comes complete with parole papers and rolling papers as well as a choice of Military or High School dropout Ken. Her Applebee's uniform is slightly stained and her purse contains a miniature Home Depot gift card and carries a strong stench of butane from her leaky Zippo. Trailer Home and 4-wheeler sold seperately.
Lawrence Barbie -
This doll comes with a royal blue "Muck Fizzou" t-shirt, 70 parking tickets, and $20k in student loans. She thinks PHIL 100 is deep and gets excited when "I take Women's Studies to meet girls" Ken asks if she wants to go to LIQUID. (She has a sister, Lawrence Skipper, but Skipper long ago declared corporate Mattel evil and destroyed her own box in protest.)
Gardner Barbie -
Has never been North of 95th Street and complains about going "all the way to Olathe". Comes with her own bag of fireworks, ill-fitting t-shirt/shorts combination and has been banned from all 4 of the Gardner bars. Comes with optional motorcycle and current boyfriend/ex-husband Sh*t Starting Ken.
"birthdays are the beginning of another journey around the sun... enjoy the trip"
peace
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
all the background checks, interviews, and testing
were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions,no matter
what the circumstances. Inside this room,you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun
and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
>Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
> >
> > 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
> >
> > 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
> >
> > 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
> >
> > 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
> >
> > 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
> > they don't have e-mail addresses.
> >
> > 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
> > anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
> >
> > 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
> > screen
> >
> > 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
> > first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
> > and you turn around to go and get it
> >
> > 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
> >
> > 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
> >
> > 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
> >
> > 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
> >
> > 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
> >
> > 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
> this list.
> >
> > AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
> >
> > Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to........!!
what?
Is REAL love indescribable?
i wouldn't say indescribable.... more like misunderstood... i was once told that when you are truely in love you will lay down your own needs to fulfill those of the one you love
Have you ever been in Love?
fo shizzy thin lizzy
What feelings do you get when you know you love someone?
like that song "sex and candy"
Ever get sick to your stomach because you love someone so much?
nope that is pregnancy
Describe in 3-5 words what your description of Love is?
no more solo sex... j/k
Is love sometimes misunderstood for care?
i suppose
If you could make someone fall in love with you, who would it be?
if have to make someone love me then it's not worth it
If Love was a potion what ingrediants would it compose of?
some patchouli and victoria secret love spell and dove conditioner and cat hair
Do you tend to enjoy the game of getting someone to love you back?
i hate the player and the game
Is love worth dying for?
love is living not dying.... believe me .... i learned this lesson last year
Is love worth losing everything you currently own?
guess you have to decide what you love most.....
Is love always enough in a relationship?
nope... there has to be mutual respect and patience and understanding..... and a dash of compassion
What item you own do you Love the most? Why?
my records... becuase there is nothing like a bottle of wine, a joint, and classic rock on vinyl
Is the love for your pets same as the love for your family?
hell to the yeah ok
Someone you love for making life so much easier?
my husband
HATE!!!!!!!!!
Would life be better or easier if we were all emotionless?
nope
Is black the never ending color of hate?
nope
A law you hate?
the patriot act
Someone that makes you sick?
don't want to think about that
Do you sometimes hate the ones you love the most?
hate is a very strong word
The argument you hated having the most!!?
don't want to think about that either
Something about life that you hate?
ignorance
A movie you hate?
mmmph...... i'm blank
A word you despise?
it starts with and "c" and rhymes with hunt
Something your bf/gf does that drives you crazy?
he snores .... loud
Special Events in your life!!
my wedding day and the day i found out i was pregnant
The funniest thing that happened to you with your friends?
ha.... my friend shae and i where driving home from another friends house one sunday and there where these two biker's ( not real biker's... more like lawyers with harleys) and my she dared me to moon them...... and i did
The nicest thing someone has ever said to you?
"you are a diamond amongst rocks"
Your best/funnest birthday? What happened?
at this age there is nothing funny about birthdays
The best gift someone has ever given you?
my husband gave me a package of those capsules that you put in water and they turn into shapes.... that was when he was still wooing me
A time you laughed so hard you peed your pants? what happened?
yeah right like i'd ever admit to that
One of the best memories you have of a loved one?
my aunt jeri who is now passed.... she used to pick me up from work and we would country cruise to van morrison and eric clapton and get so blazed
The Nasty Tards
Do you get migranes?
nope
Do you get acne?
nope
Ever been pregnant when you didnt want to be?
nope
Have you ever been trapped in an elevator?
nope i hate elevators... i take the stairs
Ever accidently caught something on fire in your home?
no but my mom does it all the time when she passes out with her cig
Has a pet ever ran away? did you find them?
i don't want to talk about it
Ever watched a loved one die before your eyes?
that is sad
Ever had a parent walk in on you and your someone doing something naughty?
no but i've walked in on my parent
Have you ever fell down the stairs?
yeah when i was like 4
Ran into a see through door?
ha ha
Slipped on wet floor?
No.
Ever found soemthing disgusting in your fast food?
no but i've put my own hair in my food to avoid paying
Have you ever been diagnosed with something horrible?
yeah being blonde4
Your Absolute Bests!
Meal you've ever made?
all my meals are the best
Thing you have made for someone?
a collage
Thing you've done for someone?
umm that is personal
Advice you've given someone?
if you are not happy then you are not living and if you are not living then you are dying
Advice you've recieved?
deny deny deny
Picture youve drawn?
I don't draw well
Poem youve written?
Isee previous blog postings
Essay youve written?
lots of them ..... just did one on impulse control disorder
Time youve ever spent with anyone?
my honeymoon
Voicemail message you've had?
don't check it
Sport you played?
disc golf
Lets get physical
Your best phsyical feature is:
my butt
A creative word to describe the color of your eyes is?
saphire
Describe your hair:
rapunzal
What animal do you look most like?:
my husband
What have you been made fun of for?:
my butt
Lets get REAL phsyical!
Would you ever consider sleeping with a celebrity?:
nah
Have you ever cheated or been cheated on?:
i guess so
Would you consider a one night stand?:
not my bag baby
Are you straight, gay or bisexual?:
Straight
Are you a virgin?:
yeah a pregnant one
If you have had sex, where was the craziest/sillest place youve done it?:
church.... i know i'm so going to hell
If your a virgin where do you want your first time to be? N/A
Should sex be all about emotion and passion?:
it's much better that way
Does the person have to love you for you to get in their pants?
i also have to love them back
Sex only after marriage?
that's the general idea but who are we kidding
Bizarre Half Hour UpdateHelplessx_X